Lisa's ICSI Diary

Hi again,

I'm not in a good place at the moment. I have got horrible period pains and the bleeding got stronger and fresher through yesterday.

I have been crying intermittently all day and all of last night. I didn't go to bed last night, I lay on the couch watching television all night. I went into bed about 5:30am, only to be awoken by my alarm - to take my pessary. It really hurt - it made my period pain worse and was unpleasant to do in itself (I won't go in to any detail).

I went for a bath this morning, not had one since my embryo transfer. I just lay there staring in to space. I was alone most of the day as DH went back to work with his own heavy heart. He came home for lunch and my Dad also popped in to see me. My Mum has phoned twice.

DH was crying last night. He went to get me chocolate from the shop and saw a new Mum with her new baby and it upset him. It took all day for me to get him to accept what was happening. Other members of my family yesterday kept saying that it was ok and that they knew people who were pregnant and had periods. I know this was only to make me feel better but it made me angry. I didn't say anything, just paid them back with the same lip service.

In the eyes of many, I was never pregnant. However, in my own and of some others, I WAS and I lost my 2 little babies yesterday. I'll never meet them, teach them things, make them laugh, comfort them or ever be their hero. They have simply gone as quickly as they came and took my hopes and dreams along with them.

I don't know how I will be tomorrow. We have to go to the clinic for the test which I feel is a total waste of time and the little energy I have left but they all want me to go so I really have no choice. I know what I dearly want in this world but I truly don't know if I can go back to try again only for the risk of this happening to us again.

I'll come back tomorrow again and tell you how things went.

Take care,
Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, I started to bleed this morning at 11am. I've also got really sore period pains and feel unwell with it.

The bleeding isn't much but I'm not prepared to kid myself any longer. I just keep asking why? What have I ever done to deserve this to happen? It's just not fair.

DH keeps saying that it's nothing and that everything will be ok but why go through a hopeless charade - again like we have been doing for nearly 4 years.

There is one blessing in this - that the GP I saw on Friday had the sense to sign me off. I would have been due at work today. They would have made me carry on with work and given me heaps of attitude.

I feel sorry for my poor dear husband who feels awful but is trying to stay strong for me.

I will post back as and when I know more. I did afterall promise to be honest. This whole process is one of the hardest you will ever go through in your life and one that takes great courage and strength.

Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello again,

I'm still waiting and with every day I'm getting more and more anxious.

2 days ago I started to feel nauseated in the evenings. I am also noticing my breasts increasingly growing and changing. I've been feeling so tired all week too. These symptoms could be down to the pessaries I am using so it's all very confusing for me.

I also do not have any previous experience of pregnancy so that makes it all the more difficult.

Yesterday, I started getting lower abdo period pains - dull cramps with occasional sharp pains. Then last night I felt really unwell and I had alot of pain from my L buttock down my leg to my foot. I tend to get this when I'm due to take a period. I cried so much and so hard last night thinking that this was it.........it might all be over.

Today, I feel tired. No leg pain but dull lower abdo period cramps again. I feel surprising more optimistic and calmer today, more grounded I feel than yesterday. I am however, still really scared. I don't want this to end. I thank god every time I go to the toilet and everything is alright.

I went along for some spiritual healing on Tuesday there and then yesterday, went for Acupuncture. The therapist did a holding treatment which was very relaxing. I also have angel cards which I have consulted every day and I have repeatedly pulled out the same cards which all seem hopeful.

I guess now, we just have to wait and see what fate beings to our door and can only hope and pray that it is what we have been waiting for for so long that arrives for us.

Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi again,

Sorry it has taken me afew days to get back on to report what's happening. I've been quite tired with everything which is understandable.

Well, where do I start? Yes, we went for egg collection last Monday morning (2nd). I felt nervous but used my acupuncture needles in my ears and some Reiki to keep me calm. We attended the ACS Suite this time as opposed to the clinic area where we had been attending previously.

I went to theatre late morning. They tried to put a needle in my L arm which quickly became sore and swollen whenthey started to infuse the sedation drugs. To let you understand, my veins are not very good and the needle they had put in was running into the tissues of my arm. Not at all their fault, these things can happen - I remember it well from my days of working in Haematology where veins were used so much, they became scarce and difficult to access.

They recannulated in my R hand and infused the drugs, no probs this time. I began to feel really chilled out and almost asleep but I was aware of many things going on, but I wasn't too bothered by anything. In fact, I recall talking alot of nonsense and was unable to be quiet, a bit like I am if I'm drunk!!!! I felt some pain at afew times but was short-lived. Before I knew it, the procedure was over and I rested in Recovery. As I became more alert, my stomach was really sore so the nurse gave me a strong painkiller - Dihydrocodeine and an IV antisickness called Ondansetron.

DH came through to be with me, I was given tea and sandwiches which I really enjoyed then I got dressed - I was desperate to get home.
Before we left, we were taken in to a small consulting room by the nurse who had looked after me alot during my stay - Joanne, she was lovely - they are all really lovely people there and are fantastic at their jobs. She told us that they had yielded 8 eggs from me and gave us instructions to follow for when I was at home. They also gave me a leaflet with information written on it - good idea since I wasn't quite back from my sedation yet!

She told us to phone at a given time the next day to see if fertilisation had taken place, then said if we were successful with this, we'd be back on Wednesday for Embryo Transfer.

We got home and I was starving! I ate some sandwiches and then fell asleep for a while. Then my Mum came and was crying - she's been really worried about us and desperate for our treatment to work.
I was pretty sore that night and was taking Cocodamol. I was drinking alot of fluids as I had been, the hospital advised me to keep this up.

Tuesday morning, I phoned to the lab as I was instructed. The embryologist I spoke to was lovely.......... We had 3 normal embryos! From the 8 eggs, 6 were suitable and were injected with sperm. Again we were reminding to return the next day for transfer.

We had mixed feelings on Tuesday. We had planned for transfer of 2 embryos and knew they wouldn't freeze 1 on it's own. We didn't know whether just to use 1, but said it would be dependant on how much sperm there was left.

Wednesday afternoon, we attended the unit again. We were quite nervous, DH was coming in to theatre with me this time.
I got in to a gown and hat, DH wore a long green theatre gown, hat and plastic over shoe covers - we joked that they were like action man body bags, like in Alan Partridge!!!!!

We walked in to theatre, I sat at the window and told the embryologist my name and date of birth. The Dr then spoke with the embryologist and spoke to us. She had 2 embryos ready for transfer, a Grade 1 and a Grade 2 (Grade 1 is the highest of Grades 1-4). We were informed that only one straw of our sperm had been used and we had 3 remaining. She said that from the 1 straw, that there were quite afew motile sperm which was also good news.

I lay on the the theatre table and a speculum was inserted like a smear test. I HATE this, I felt myself twitching down below and worried I would spit the embryos back out! DH held my hand as the Dr inserted a long thin catheter in through my cervix and placed the embryos then the procedure was complete. I explained that I was still really sore from Monday and that morning had had severe lower abdominal pain. The Dr examined me and said to keep an eye on it, if no better/worse, to let them know but I was to continue drinking alot of fluids. I got a sample of urine sent off to the lab to check for infection.

I got dressed and a nurse came in to talk to us. She explained that I needed to use Progesterone pessaries vaginally twice daily/12 hourly for 12 days. We were given an appointment for clinic for our outcome blood test for Tuesday 17th June. We left and came home thereafter.

I have rested pretty much since Wednesday afternoon, I'm still even slightly sore today, but each day it improves. As it is, we now only have 9 days to wait to find out what the outcome is. The pessaries have given me alot of wind too!!!!

It's been a variable few days so far. I have at times been convinced that my period was going to start but seemingly this is normal. I have had slight nausea but could be side effect from the pessaries. I'm also really tired, but then alot has happened within the last week and I'm still taking it all in.

On top of this, my work have been quite unreasonable with me. After saying I could take holidays, I've been told I now can't have what I need and now have to work all next weekend and Monday evening until 1am when we have to be at clinic before 9am! The lack of sleep aside, I'm going to be thinking of nothing else but what will happen the next day. I think it's cruel and had any of them experienced what we have just been going thorugh, I'm sure they would have a different outlook. It's high time that what we all go through is recognised for what it is and we are cut a bit of slack. Enough about this now!

I'm trying to remain positive and keep telling myself that I am pregnant now. DH goes back to wrok tomorrow so the time will go in a bit slower now I think, but we will wait and see. I keep praying and asking for our dreams to come true, nearly every hour of the day so far. I only hope someone is listening.......................

Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi again,

Not forgotten to update - just been really hectic past few days.
I had embryo transfer today with DH at my side, went well.

I will post all the details tomorrow as I'm quite tired tonight,

Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi again,

Sorry it's been a week since my last post but I'll explain why.........

As I said last week, I was feeling unwell on starting the Gonal-F injections. I have to say that I wasn't expecting that to happen, but as they said at the clinic, everyone is different and alot of people aren't really affected by it - so if anyone is just embarking on treatment and reading this, please don't worry and I really mean that.

Since my last post, I have daily been getting more swollen over my abdomen and boobs (my boobs are also quite tender). I have had intermittent headache, not sleeping, general aches and pains all over, constipation, mild nausea. I was starting to pass darker urine which worried me in relation to what I read about Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome - even though I was drinking over 3 litres a day. Getting in to Tuesday there, I was feeling quite emotional and crying alot but I think that this was also down to the fact that I hadn't been sleeping.

Following the advice of the GP I saw last Friday, I went back to see a GP whom I have seen quite often in the past.
She was really quite mean to me - asked me how I was, I told her and she asked why had I bothered to go and see her. She said I was fine, briefly examined my tummy and said that I needed to get on with it, afterall, I was told what it was going to be like beforehand. I became tearful and said I was feeling awful and that I didn't feel fit to work this weekend. I was told to get on with it and that work was the best place for me at the moment. I then left and felt really let down, like I hadn't been taken seriously.

I got home and cried for hours and had that ache you get in the centre of your chest when someone really hurts your feelings - I call it a sore heart. I felt really isolated and alone - here I was in a really scary position, putting powerful drugs into my system several times a day and felt that no-one cared. I also meant to say that I started the 4 times daily nasal spray last Saturday - Buserelin, to keep my own down regulation going.

DH called my line manager when we got home because I couldn't speak with crying. My line manager was really sympathetic about it. My husband was asking about unpaid leave for me, my boss suggested we get a line from the GP and that I could use annual leave. I am unable to get unpaid leave until I have used all my holidays.

Wednesday I was feeling really rough and even had thoughts about throwing the towel in with the treatment I felt so bad. I went to see my Acupuncturist who was really sympathetic and supportive. Because we didn't know what my injections were doing so far, I couldn't get treatment to boost my follicles. However, I got treatment to balance me and felt instantly alot better. I felt more balanced emotionally/positive and I went for a huge pee which was great. As the day went on, I was also a bit less bloated. That night I slept a bit better. The acupuncturist asked me to go back Thursday/next day for some more treatment.

I made another appointment at the Drs - this time with a locum GP. I went there on Thursday and she was lovely. I took DH with me so that there wouldn't be a repeat of the other day. I felt proud of myself because I sat calmly and explained that I was feeling unwell and the reason why. I also told her that I had been off from work with a long term anxiety problem at the turn of the year and that it was my intention not to take too much time off as sick due to that. I did saw however that at the moment, I really felt unable to perform 100% at work and mentioned that on top of all my symptoms, my concentration wasn't too good. I then said what my line manager had said and Dr gave me a line. She wanted to give me more, but I only took a week and said I planned to take some holidays thereafter.

Later on Thursday, I went back for more acupuncture which relaxed me further. I slept better again Thursday night, however I didn't sleep for a long period but then I had to be up at 5:30am to go to the clinic yesterday morning.

We arrived at the clinic for our 10am appointment yesterday (Friday)- I got a blood sample taken and then went through for my first follicle scan. DH came in to scan with me (he's feeling a bit lost just now too, I've also let him give some of my injections).
The sonographer was calling out numbers - 25, 18, 11, etc. My heart sank a bit because I though she meant that this was how many there were. If this had been the case, I was overstimulating and the treatment would have been abandoned. I then realised that she meant that this was the size of the follicles. I asked how many there were - 2 follicles in L ovary and 6-7 in R ovary, all good sizes. I was surprised because most of the pain had been at the L side. I asked how big my ovaries are just now - 40mm each.
I was told that I was ready and that I probably didn't need to come back for further scans.

We waited and saw another nurse who went through the next instructions.
They were going to phone yesterday afternoon following my blood result to confirm what was happening.
I was given a booster injection and other meds to take away too.

We got the phonecall about 3:30pm yesterday. We had recently been for lunch in a nice country pub nearby and throughout we waited for the call. I had to change my ringtone actually because there were all wee posh elderly folk there who probably wouldn't appreciate the wit of Goldie Lookin' Chain - Your Mother's got a Penis!!!!!

Anyway, we got home for the call............We were told that we were ready for egg collection and that I had to take my last Gonal-F this morning, last Buserelin nasal spray 6pm tonight, HCG booster injection at 9pm tonight.
Then fast from midnight Sunday night and to arrive at admissions Monday morning for 9:30am. The nurse wished me luck and went off the phone.

I have to pack a bag with a dressing gown, slippers and toiletries in for Monday to take with me. We are not allowed to use anything perfumed or body lotion as this can damage the eggs. They will put me under sedation and the procedure should take approx 30 mins. I should be ready for home by mid to late afternoon.

I can't believe that were are here already, I thought it would have taken longer for me to stimulate or even that I had been overly doing so. I believe that after Monday, if we are lucky enough to get fertilisation, it will be Wednesday or Thursday that we would potentially get embryo transfer, but I won't jump the gun just yet!

I can honestly say (I may be repeating myself!) that when you start this process, it is really quick and makes up for all the time that you wait for it all to start in the first place. Also, although I've been feeling all over the place this week, it's nothing to be frightened of. It's actually quite empowering to feel that despite all the upheaval, you are actually being useful and doing something to address the situation. Furthermore, I didn't think that I was strong enough to do this given my problems in the past and here I am actually doing it! If I can do it, anyone can!

Take care,
Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I can honestly say that time has just flown in the past week. So I'll update you now........

Last Sunday (day before clinic), we did loads of gardening and planting which made us both really tired but gave us something to focus on. We talked alot during the time we were doing this and it was nice to feel close and just be together, talking about random stuff.

Sunday night I hardly slept, neither did DH. I woke up at 4 am wide awake and got up at 4:30am (was getting up at 5am anyway). I sat with a cup of tea and felt quite panicky and doubtful, worrying that I was going to have panic attacks.

We got ready and left to catch the train. On the train I was listening to the old ipod and pressing the studs in my ears (for anxiety, placed by the acupuncturist). By the time we arrived in Glasgow, I felt really calm and relaxed. We went for breakfast then off to the hospital.

We arrived at the clinic and it was mobbed. Loads of couples and women on their own just staring in to space. They were a bit late taking us, I was now excited rather than worried now.

They first called me to take bloods, then I was taken for the trans-vaginal scan to check that my ovaries had stopped working and that the lining of my uterus was suitably thin. Everything was as it should be thankfully and I went back to the waiting room again.

After a short while, another nurse called us to go through the daily injections which would start 22nd May (yesterday am) and the nasal spray which starts tomorrow, 24th May.

The injections are in the form of a pen (like insulin pens diabetics use)and contain a drug called Gonal-F, it is my understanding that there are variations in the names of drugs they use, but all do the same thing - stimulate multiple ovulation. I take the injection at the same time each day for 9 days initially - I do mine at 7am to avoid the need to be taking them anywhere as they need stored in a fridge. The injection is given into the stomach and is not painful at all, slight sting maybe but quite easy. I did have a panic yesterday after the first injection. I worried that I hadn't pushed the plunger down enough because I saw afew number showing - I have found out from afew people and leaflets that this is the normal state of the pen and as long as it clicks several times, it's ok.

The nasal spray Buserelin is to take over from the Prostap injection that I took to down regulate almost 4 weeks ago as it runs out now. I can't believe that's 4 weeks, how time flies as I was saying before.

We are due back this Friday, 30th May for first scan to check presence and size of follicles and thickness of endometrium (uterine lining). I was told that if everything is ok I may be in for egg collection as early as a week on Monday!

Back to the present though. As I said, I started the Gonal-F injections yesterday morning. Through yesterday I felt sweats coming and headachy slightly. I also felt tired and felt my usual ovulation pain starting - Left sided lower abdomen and back radiating to left leg with bloated tummy. I didn't sleep very well last night and awoke this morning feeling really quite yuk.

As the morning went along I began to feel worse. I was getting similar symptoms to the time during ovulation and period starting only quite a bit worse. At one point today the pain went down into my foot and I was limping. I got quite tearful because I felt so crap and was worried as I'm due at work over the weekend.

DH made me an appointment with my GP this afternoon - I went along, was examined and he said it was unusual the pains I had although I explained that I always had these pains and that it had been investigated by the gynaecologist during our assessments under Laparoscopy. At that point he was talking about the pros and cons of carrying on with treatment which I was keen to carry on with and he agreed given my history. He agreed that as I was probably going to be producing more than the usual 1 egg that this may have given rise to the amplified symptoms. I was told to stick with the Paracetamol, rest, plenty of fluids and warm baths. If it gets worse over the weekend I shouls see someone but otherwise he recommended I self certify and be absent from work and go back next week for review.

DH called work and explained I wouldn't be in to work over the weekend and to be honest, I'm glad to know that I can just lie up and rest as much as I need to. I'm finding it hard concentrating due to my tiredness and woozy head feeling. I'm not overly alarmed or anxious about the symptoms because I know that they will be short-lived and that it is all for the most important reason in the world. Afterall, afew weeks of feeling under par is only a small price to pay when you consider the journey to hell and back so far.

Although I felt tearful earlier, I feel that mood has held out well and I'm so glad that there has been no deterioration in my psychological health so far. I think that the Acupuncture has helped this and in addition, I feel empowered that we are now going through the treatment and that I indeed found the courage to run with it.

I'm due for more Acupuncture on Wednesday and this time it will be to help what is actually happening within me at the moment - what an amazing feeling.

I'm going to go now and lie up and watch TV for a while and only hope that I can get to sleep tonight.........overnight telly is really crap!!!!!!

Love
Lisa,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi again,

19 days in to down regulation now and only 2 days until we are back at the clinic for our first scan and blood tests...........hopefully after this we can get going with the next stage which is the stimulation part and involves daily injections for the stimulation part and nasal spray to continue the down regulation part (so that my own cycle does not kick in during the treatment).

I went for some more acupuncture today which was as always, lovely and relaxing. I'm not to go back now until a week in to my stimulation drugs.

Yesterday was the first real significant mood swing - boy was I crabbit! I was angry with myself because some of my clothes aren't fitting me but then I have been bloated and my weight has remained pretty similar despite attempts to lose afew pounds.

I did snap out of it after an hour - it was our wedding anniversary yesterday and we went for a lovely meal. I even treated myself to a glass of wine........I figured that one wouldn't hurt. It went straight to my head - well seeing I'm not used to drinking anymore! Not that I really had much anyway.

Still cracking on with my Allen Carr book and hope to have good news to report in the next few days with regard to the smoking.

I can't wait for Monday to see if everything is ok and hopefully so we can get onto the next stage.

I will post again after the appointment.

Have a good weekend,
L,x

Hi again,

I know it's been over a week since I last wrote - it's been an eventful week......

Last time I wrote, I was really pre-menstrual. Last Sunday night, I was unable to sleep, I felt quite unwell but couldn't put my finger on what it was. I felt quite bloated all over, even my face.
I eventually managed to get to sleep about 3am.

I woke up Monday morning and my period had started. I soon began to feel very sore and the headache seemed worse. I took Paracetamol (I usually take stronger analgesia at this time) and was in agony all day. I spent quite a bit of it crying. I wasn't able to go to work which made me worry a bit given what has happened previously. Tuesday I felt exactly the same. So I basically rested for afew days and slowly began to feel better as last week progressed.

I know it might sound gross to go in to this much detail, but it may be useful. The periods I usually have are quite clotty, but this time, it seemed worse although not overly heavy - I suppose that explains the level of pain I had.

I started to worry around Wednesday when the flow became minimal. I worried that I hadn't bled enough and thought this hadn't worked.

I went on Friday for my acupuncture and explained my worries. The acupuncturist gave me some therapy which would encourage the uterus to empty.

Since then I have bled a bit more and continue to have spotting daily. So I know feel a little better about facing next week.

I really can't believe that it has been now over 2 weeks since we started. I can honestly say to those who are still waiting patiently (or otherwise!!!!) that when the ball starts rolling, it seems alot easier.

Aside from what I have just been describing, I can honestly say that this has not been as bad as I feared it would be so far - so if that can allay anyones fears, then all to the good. I have asked others about their experiences and thay said that they didn't have to much of a hard time at the "bleed" part. So I guess it's an individual thing really.

I started reading Allen Carr's book (not the comedian, as my Dad thought!). The guy had been writing books and set up many clinics to help people with smoking. Seemingly, alot of people have had real results from using the book so I was encouraged to give it a go. So far, it's been really good, I'm about a fifth of the way through it. It can be repetitive but it interseting and discusses every thought and fear you have as a smoker. So I'm hoping to have good news soon with regard to that!

Again, I've been careful about my eating and have been drinking 2-3 litres a day, with 2 litres of that being room temperature spring water. I didn't think I would enjoy that but actually have surprised myself that I do.
Back to the eating, I can't say that I have lost any more weight even though I have been following my weight watchers points to the letter. They do say that weight gain can be a side effect from the drugs. I'm pleased at least to report that I've not gained any more weight which I think is good.

I'm off work on holiday this week so am looking forward to spending time with my husband and my 2 wee doggies. It's also our 4th wedding anniversary this week (hopefully the psychic lady's prophecies will come true - and this time next year, I may be enjoying the nice spring weather with my own child too).

If anyone reading this ever wants to chat or ask anything, feel free. I can't promise to know everything, but if I can help in any way, I will.

Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi there,

Been at work today which I found quite tough - quite headachy today and got period pains starting.

Usually when I'm due a normal period, I get quite clumsy but I seem to be ultra clumsy today. I dropped my pregnacare on the floor about 7 times, then my keys god knows how many times. I then dropped my thermal cup and broke it! I was bit hairy driving home too but got here in 1 piece!

I felt quite insecure at work today too. I was unsure about afew things and was looking for reassurance afew times from my peers - mainly about the decisions I was making. I think I'm just trying to make sure that I'm doing everything right.

Otherwise, I have to say that it's not been too bad so far and the past week since we started has flown past. I think I even feel better knowing that it has finally started after waiting for over 3 and a half years to get to this point.

I have worked out that it will be between 7 and 8 weeks until outcome date (presuming all goes to plan) which really isn't that long away.

I was back for more Acupuncture yesterday which was wonderful. I have to say, seriously, whether it helps the process or not, it is something that everyone going through this should consider as a treat to themselves. It is truly wonderful and the lady I go to is lovely and seems to have such compassion for people in my position.

My session yesterday was to minimise effects from the down regulation. I haven't felt weepy again, in fact I'm quite upbeat even though I feel physically a bit tired.

Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx