Hello,
Firstly, I just want to apologise for not being back here sooner.....As you could imagine, after everything that has happened, I was just not ready to face things.
Afew weeks have passed and this has given me time to reflect on everything that has happened and also allowed me time to look at my life.
I was going to go straight back onto cycle 2 of the treatment but after speaking with DH, we have decided to wait for a while.
We realised that having been married over 4 years, that we have spent our entire married life in trying to have a baby and have lost sight of ourselves as individuals and as a partnership.
Not only that, during the treatment, I put on quite a bit of weight again so knowing how long it took before, I think it will take me afew months to shift that.
More importantly, as you may have read in my previous posts that I have been very unhappy at work for quite some time. So I have now decided that I am going to do something positive to change that.
I went back to work nearly 3 weeks ago and realise that it is not the place for me and not the job for me. There is still alot of unfairness on many levels and this is something that I don't think I can tackle on my own. I, along with afew others, feel very much demoralised.
I fear that if I remain in this rut, that I will lose even more confidence over time. No-one cares to find out, or is even interested in the qualities or experience I have. In fact, I would go as far as to say that there is a total disregard of me completely, and this I feel is based upon the fact that I have been unlucky enough to be unwell over the past few years.
This may all sound quite negative, the truth is that.....this IS the truth and I feel really frustrated by it all.
SO! I have decided to pursue another avenue, something I have thought about for a long time. I have decided to go back into education for a period and learn something new.
I have afew choices and already, I feel so much more alive and liberated. I have been offered afew places at University - some are at post-grad level, some are undergraduate but in a completely different field altogether! I have decided to take the option which seems to be the quickest and something I have researched alot.
I'm going off to do a Diploma in Advanced Analytical Hypnotherapy which will allow me to start my own business and takes approx 6-7 months. DH has already bought me a web-site! I'd feature the name but there is nothing on it yet. When I do have stuff on it, I'll plug it here!
As regards cycle 2 of ICSI, I think this will be after Christmas. However, I still need to discuss this with the clinic to see what they say about that. I think I read somewhere that I need to have finished treatment within 2 years so I still have a bit of time.
Part of me wants to go back now, but I know in my heart that I and DH are just not ready to go through it all again so soon. Everywhere I go, I see pregnant people and people pushing prams with newborn babies and I get a 'sore heart' and begin to feel very lonely. If we are meant to be parents, I'm sure we will BE parents one day. I'm getting used to how things are a bit more as time goes on, it's just so hard.
I still have days where I feel awful and empty, but when you think of it all, we DID in fact lose something and this is a period of grieving for us.
I'm going to go now and sit back outside, I think it's a bit cooler out there now.....it was 28 C earlier!!!!
I will pop back here on and off to update on anything new that happens.
Take care,
Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
