Hi again,

I'm not in a good place at the moment. I have got horrible period pains and the bleeding got stronger and fresher through yesterday.

I have been crying intermittently all day and all of last night. I didn't go to bed last night, I lay on the couch watching television all night. I went into bed about 5:30am, only to be awoken by my alarm - to take my pessary. It really hurt - it made my period pain worse and was unpleasant to do in itself (I won't go in to any detail).

I went for a bath this morning, not had one since my embryo transfer. I just lay there staring in to space. I was alone most of the day as DH went back to work with his own heavy heart. He came home for lunch and my Dad also popped in to see me. My Mum has phoned twice.

DH was crying last night. He went to get me chocolate from the shop and saw a new Mum with her new baby and it upset him. It took all day for me to get him to accept what was happening. Other members of my family yesterday kept saying that it was ok and that they knew people who were pregnant and had periods. I know this was only to make me feel better but it made me angry. I didn't say anything, just paid them back with the same lip service.

In the eyes of many, I was never pregnant. However, in my own and of some others, I WAS and I lost my 2 little babies yesterday. I'll never meet them, teach them things, make them laugh, comfort them or ever be their hero. They have simply gone as quickly as they came and took my hopes and dreams along with them.

I don't know how I will be tomorrow. We have to go to the clinic for the test which I feel is a total waste of time and the little energy I have left but they all want me to go so I really have no choice. I know what I dearly want in this world but I truly don't know if I can go back to try again only for the risk of this happening to us again.

I'll come back tomorrow again and tell you how things went.

Take care,
Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx