Hello and welcome to my blog,

I wanted to start a blog so that I can look back over what has been happening and so others may benefit from the information. We are about to embark on our first cycle of ICSI - Intracytoplasmic sperm injection with IVF.

I'm 33 (almost 34!) and my husband is 35. We married almost 4 years ago and started trying for a family about 3 and a half years ago.

During the first year of trying we were excited but dismayed as with each month arrived my period and no pregnancy. As time progressed on, we began to think there might be a problem and so I went to see my GP 13 months after we started trying.

I was given loads of blood tests, internal swabs - to check for any infections, check if I was ovulating, etc. I also went for a pelvic ultrasound - I have suffered from painful periods for many years and they wanted to rule out endometriosis.

All my results came back clear and I was referred to the sub-fertility clinic to see a Gynaecologist.

My husband, meanwhile, attended the GP too and was sent away with a bottle to produce a sperm sample. I remember quite clearly, we were on holiday and it was just before Christmas. That day, we had planned (like we do every year) to go shopping for our outfits for the Christmas nights out we had. My husband produced the sample and he took it to the lab in a pair of rolled up socks to keep it warm. We then went out for a day's shopping and lunch. We laughed all day and I made up silly songs about what he had had to do that morning.

Next day, my Mum got a call from the GP practice asking for my husband (why they phoned my Mum I'll never know). It was too late to call by the time we knew so waited all weekend wondering what the practice wanted to talk to us about.

On Monday morning, my husband went in person to the surgery and was told that no-one could speak with him for another 2 days! I told my husband to go back and explain and he was told a Dr would call him.
I waited anxiously for my husband to come in from work that lunchtime.
When he did arrive, his face was worried and he asked me to sit down.

He said the Dr had called him as arranged and said there were NO sperm at all in the sample and had been quite blunt about it too. He was told to produce another sample early January. This also came back with no sperm and blood tests were done and he was referred to a Urologist.

During this time, I became sick and went off work. I have a long-standing anxiety problem which flares up from time to time. I was scared to leave the house, had terrible side effects from the meds I was put on and put on loads of weight. I felt truly awful. I don't think I could ever feel as bad again as I did then.

In the April, we saw a Urologist who was lovely - he explained that there was possibly a blockage somewhere because although borderline, his blood results were normal. He then said if this was the case, our only option was ICSI with IVF for which the odds of success weren't terribly high. I cried alot after that and felt really low. My husband didn't really speak about his feelings. We were referred to the Fertility Centre.

Our first appointment was in the August and I was too frightened to go so we cancelled. I decided at the time, I could not withstand the pressure of the journey to and from the centre.

In May, we saw the Gynaecologist who arranged for me to go in to hospital in the October to have a laparascopy with dye to rule out any problems with me. I was terrified but felt proud of myself for having done it. After the laparoscopy in October, I decided I wanted to pursue treatment again and the Gynaecologist requested another appointment for us.

We went up in February 2007 and had loads of bloods done each, urine samples and were given information on the treatment.

We went up and down quite afew times last year - more tests, loads of forms, etc. The Urology consultant at the centre arranged for my husband to be admitted for surgical sperm retrieval in November 2007.

He was really unwell after the op - dropped his pulse rate to 30 and kept fainting and vomiting. He was really weak when I got him home. I meanwhile felt the pressure building again and ended up going off sick again with my anxiety problem(My work have not been too good with me through our journey and refused me proper leave to care for my husband.
Things in work are now much improved and so far I feel so much better supported.).

He ended up with 2 infections in his wound which opened up and 2 courses of antibiotics and proper wound care (courtesy of me) later (and even now), he's still in quite a bit of discomfort.

At this time, my husband was told they couldn't find anything during the operation and we both felt awful and had started to turn our thoughts to what next. We had to wait 8 weeks to be seen again so could put no proper closure on any of this. I dreaded Christmas and avoided it as much as I could. On Christmas Eve, we went to a watchnight service and I cried throughout like it was a funeral. I was having to support my Mum who had problems at home. I felt as though I couldn't take anymore.

Everywhere I looked was someone pregnant with a smug, self-assured look on their faces and I hated them and wished they would stop flaunting themselves in front of me. I began to wonder if I was a bad person and that I in some way deserved all this.

January 2008, we had an appointment again at the fertility centre and neither of us wanted to go. We sat in the consulting room with the Urologist and the Gynaecologist there. They talked through the procedure that my husband had been through and said that although not many, they had found 4 straws of sperm. I just sat there staring through them and was unable to take it in. I sat in the waiting area and a nurse came over to speak to me - I just burst out crying and couldn't believe it. She hugged me and wished us all the best.

My husband came back to find me crying and I think he could easily have shed a tear or two. It seems during the surgery, there were alot of adhesions (which can happen after surgery) and they had to do quite alot to correct the order of everything down there. They also said that the damage was probably due to previous surgery my husband had had although many other Dr's had palmed us off when we asked if this was the reason.
We went for a lovely lunch and a glass of wine to celebrate and came home to tell our families who were anxious to find out for us.

As time has progressed, I have had to try hard to get my husband to speak to me about how he feels. We have a really close relationship but he still found it hard - something which seems common in many similar situations. Things have got easier to discuss and we both seem happier.
He finds it hard because he lost his Dad when he was 16 and his older brother, with whom he has a close bond, lives 1000's of miles away. These would have been the people he would choose to confide in. He also found it hard because he didn't want to burden me in how I was.

My anxiety problem has improved and I returned to work 2 months ago on reduced hours which is much easier. I attend weekly sessions in psychotherapy which really do help.

Now for a happier part of the story to begin!
We reached the top of the list for treatment in February 2008 and have been for 2 appointments in the past 3 weeks to prepare.
I've had loads of bloods and stuff obtained which have all been fine. I now just have to wait for day 1 of my next period then I phone and arrange a date to start. We have been told that there may be a delay for 1-2 months so I'm keeping everything crossed that we are taken first time. My period is due anytime from Friday onwards so I'm just sitting on tenterhooks waiting now.

It is my plan to update this blog regularly with everything new that happens.

So until next time..........hopefully will have news over the next few days. Please keep everything crossed for me and send out positive thoughts!

L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx