Lisa's ICSI Diary

Hello again,

I just wanted to update you on what has been happening in the past few days.
On Saturday there, as I was coming to the end of the 2 week wait, I began having cramps and really felt like it was all going to be over. Then Saturday night I got some brown spotting when I went to the toilet - we were both very upset and worried.
Next day, the spotting and cramps had gone - I only got minimal spotting twice Saturday night.
I began to notice one or two other things that were different but was afraid to believe them. You get so obsessed by symptoms during this time that you begin to wonder if it is real or imagined.
Test day was Tuesday (yesterday). I was awake from 01:30 yesterday morning and could not get back to sleep. I was feeling scared, anxious and more unhopeful with each passing hour.
We arrived early for our appointment and I told them about the spotting and other symptoms. The nurse took my blood off and said she would call us between 2 and 4pm.
So we had all day to wait and decided to head towards home and stop somewhere for breakfast.
On the way down the road, there was a mean driver who was a bit aggressive towards DH. DH shouted then started to cry - this pressure was really getting to us now.
We stopped at a Little Chef - hadn't been there for years and after seeing the restaurants on Heston Blumenthal's programme afew weeks ago, decided to go and have breakfast there. We enjoyed our breakfast and went home.
We waited and waited, tried to have a lie down but my heart was pounding out of my chest and I just couldn't settle. I also had one or two phonecalls from close family members asking, any news yet? I was beginning to feel a bit ratty because if I knew anything, did they not think I would have told them, lol!
The phone rang just before 2pm yesterday and I answered it and spoke to the nurse, gave my date of birth and she told me the test was positive! HCG level 151 which is good, so I'm told. She told me other things and I can barely remember them now, except that I have my first scan 3 weeks from now and to call them if I had any further spotting meantime.
The nurse called back this morning because I had been crying yesterday with joy and she thought I was upset. She offered for us to go tomorrow for a further blood test to reassure us, said the level will have hopefully doubled by then, fingers crossed.
So there we have it, all our efforts beginning to pay off for us. We do realise however that this is just the very beginning and that there are so many more hurdles to get over in the coming months.
I will keep you posted with what happens over the next few weeks.
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, after the last post we were going up for embryo transfer.
When we got to the clinic we were told that 6 embryos were suitable and one was abnormal. All 6 were of good quality so we have 4 frozen - I call them my snow babies! And they put 2 grade 1 embryos back in transfer - a 9 cell and an 8 cell. That was 10 days ago.
Before and after transfer, I went for Acupuncture which was great and when we got home I slept for a while.
Since then I've been up and down - one mintue certain it's worked and the next uncertain and fearful.
I had a day about 3 days ago where I had bad lower back pain and abdo cramps and thought my period was coming. Yesterday I felt a bit like it too but improved as the day wore on. I've been having heartburn backwards and forwards too the past few days. Alot of my symptoms may be down to the progesterone pessaries I have to use twice daily so it drives you mad wondering. I've also not been sleeping too well and it is catching up with me now I think becuase I feel really tired today.
I've been using a CD by Zita West which has tracks on it for relaxation and visualisation to be used - pre, post transfer and then for the 2 week wait. I've been using it every night and feel it really beneficial.
I got a nice surprise yesterday - I had a call to book a first hypnotherapy appointment from a client and today DH and I have been looking for chairs to put in my office and organising other bits and pieces - I've been so glad of the distraction as I was feeling on the verge of going crazy, lol.
Well, only 3 more sleeps until test day and I'm hoping and praying that everything stays stable until then. I wish we didn't have to wait as long but there's nothing else for it and we are nearly there now.
I'm optimisitic but also scared.

Hi again,

Sorry it's been afew weeks since my last post on the blog but I will update you now.....

Well, we went for the Down Regulation scan and the lining of my womb was very thin and my ovaries clear, so we started on the daily injections of Gonal-F the next day - 5th March and were booked in for day 9 scan on 13th March.

We went along on Friday 13th March (!!!!!) for scan and I had 13 follicles of decent size and several smaller ones and my womb lining was 12.8mm thick - all good and better than our first attempt back in May last year.

They took my bloods and sent me away with my HCG booster just in case and a bottle of Buserelin snuff ( the down regulation injection lasts 28 days and was due to run out 14th). They said I might be ready or I might still be a day away so theatre probably Monday or Tuesday.

I backed afew horses in the Cheltenham festival to keep my mind calm whilst I waited when we got home. I was told if I didn't get a call from the clinic I was still to continue on my daily injections and go Monday 16th for a further scan.

By 3.30pm I had almost given up hope when the call came - last Gonal-F Saturday morning, snuff 3 times on the Saturday then HCG booster injection at 9pm then as usual, all the drugs stop. Theatre Monday 16th 8.30am.

We were really excited on the Saturday but I was becoming increasingly bloated and uncomfortable from Thursday onwards so we did very little on the Saturday - just got lots of nice things to eat from Marks and Spencer and watched a DVD.

I was up quite early on the Sunday morning - had Acupuncture planned for 11am which was truly great, really chilled me out.
She had advised me to have Vitamin C for afew days before Egg collection and start Arnica the day before which I did - this was to carry on until embryo transfer.

We got back from there and I made a roast dinner which kept me occupied although I chopped my hand afew times trying to carve the meat - mainly because my Mum was trying to take over and help.

I slept really well on Sunday night then up at 5.20am with the phone ringing - my Mum was up all night thinking about us.
I stayed up and tried to remember not to have a cup of tea since I was under instruction to fast from midnight.

I had a bath with unscented shower gel and washed my hair with the same - no scented anything or deodorant or make-up as these can harm eggs and embryos. DH had to do the same (he was rather upset at not being able to wear make-up though!...Only kidding - he'll be annoyed if he reads this, lol).

We got to the unit and I was 3rd on the list. I saw the anaesthetist whom I told about the pain and wareness of the last time. He gave me a strong painkiller before and after and said he could up the sedation. I was however much calmer this time.

Went into theatre at 10.50am, felt chilled and they sedated me. I was really only vaguely aware of afew minor short lived times of discomfort then they woke me up. I was sore after and they gave me a painkiller which helped.

I had a bit to eat then was able to get up, I was keen to get home. They took the venflon out of my hand and gave me my post op instructions, DH was there as I still felt woozy. All I was interested in was how many eggs they got - 10! 2 more than last time. We were to phone the next day at 10.15am to see if any had fertilised.

So we got up yesterday morning and both felt excited and a bit scared. I phoned the embryologist at 10.15am as planned.
All 10 eggs were suitable for use and 7 fertilised! We were over the moon. They are going to culture them this morning (today) so they can grade them - if they are of good enough quality, we can have some frozen for if we need them again (which I really hope we don't!). We go today (same preparationas Monday ie no perfumed anything) to have the embryos put back - they will use 2 hopefully.

So we have an appointment at 2.15pm today and I have to have a comfortably full bladder to facilitate the procedure.
I'm just away now to get ready to go as I have acupuncture at 11.30am today in preparation. I'm hoping it really chills me out - I feel excited and scared and quite sick!

So next time I come on here to report back I will hopefully be pregnant until proven otherwise! Wish me luck.

L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello again,

I'm pleased to report that I'm feeling a good bit better today.
I still have the headache but I seem to have alot more energy today which is good.
I don't have much planned for today and am planning to take it easy and do bits and pieces around the house and stuff for my business.

I'm also going to cook a nice dinner today for us and use some of the lovely fruit and veg we bought on Sunday.

There is also a wee doggy who would probably enjoy a walk later too.

L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi again,

Well we finally started round 2 of our ICSI journey yesterday morning.
We went to the clinic and got taken early which was nice.....So we left the clinic at 09:30am following the Prostap injection.

We had a really nice day. We travelled down towards home and stopped off to see my brother, sister-in-law and my 2 beautiful baby nephews.
I realised just how much I had missed seeing them over the past few weeks and have offered my babysitting skills again!

We went for a nice breakfast, did a bit of food shopping - loads of fruit and veg! We got back about lunchtime and I started to feel a bit headachy and went for a wee nap...... I woke up 3 hours later!!!!!
All that nervous/excitement energy.

We had a nice meal and went to bed. I woke about 3am feeling generally "not right". I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong but I knew I felt just yucky. A bit nauseated, achy and weepy.
I eventually got back to sleep and woke about 9am.

I've been feeling pretty rough all day but feel slightly better tonight again, thankfully! I've not stuck to my diet today but felt it was ok to treat myself a bit as I was feeling rotten. DH went to get me some chips and he grated strong vintage cheddar over the top - fantastic!!!!!! I will start again tomorrow and be a good girl again. I did drink over 2.5 litres of water today so that's a step in the right direction......and several steps (worn carpet) to the bathroom (I know, too much info, but funny all the same!).

Turning to things more profound now..... I have to be honest, I'm really scared. I know I should be positive and I am being but I just don't want to set myself for another major fall like what happened last time. It's frightening to think that in just afew weeks time that we will receive either the best news ever or that our dream might be over again.....bitter sweet, funny how that phrase keeps on coming up.

I'm scared of being in pain again like I was last time but I'm trying not to think about that. Besides, I'd probably consider chopping my leg off if it meant having a child all of my own.

Well, I've just got to wait now for the next step which is my scan and in the meantime just keep everything crossed that that goes well, just like last time.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day. I'll keep you posted.

Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Good Morning to everyone,

I got my dates to start cycle 2 of ICSI this morning.
Down Regulation 15th February (Sunday morning, so no lie in!) and I have my first scan on 4th March.

I feel really excited again as does DH. We are both hoping that we have a nice surprise in store this time.

I phoned up to book Acupuncture again this morning too. I was in two minds whether to go for it again but to be honest, it did me the world of good last time so I decided to go with it again.

I'm still overweight but my BMI is quite below the 35 threshold so I'm hoping that will be ok. I do have afew weeks to get my act together so I hope to be a bit slimmer by then (she says hopefully, trying not to think of sour sweeties and chocolate!!!!!).

Who knows what it will bring this time, but at least I know a bit of what's going to happen after having been through the treatment once already.

At least I don't have that awful job this time. Instead, I will be trying to set up a business, so no pressure there!

Anyway, I will be posting my experience again in my blog and as always will be as honest as I can be.

Take care,
Love,

Lisa,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello again and a Happy New Year!

Well, alot has happened since my last post....
As I said previously, we were taking a break from treatment to catch our breaths and try to make sense of just what we went through.

Since I was last on, I decided to leave my job which caused me alot of stress and heartache both during treatment and also the rest of the time.

I started studying for a Diploma in Advanced Analytical Hypnotherapy at the beginning of Autumn which has so far been going really well. I had to travel to Perth for that and so I was able to overcome another hurdle in trying to beat the enduring anxiety and agoraphobia which had plagued me for so long. I've got quite a bit of work still to do (which I MUST get started now Christmas is over with). However, I should be completed mid January and should find out my fate in February. Then I need to set up a business, scary!

I've been doing afew hours in a local Nursing Home to tide us over which has been quite enjoyable.

In October there, we lost my wee dog, Timmy. He was a Yorkshire Terrier and we lost him just 2 weeks before his 16th birthday. He had been deteriorating gradually for some time but took quite ill and despite various attempts to help him, he didn't make much of it and we had a really hard decision to make. I'm still very upset and miss him so much, he was my wee pal and helped me more than I can say in words over the years.

So, 2008 was quite a tough year all round but through the bitter, runs sweet.... Things had to change in order that my life becomes better, something I have only been able to dream of for several years. I do feel much stronger than I have done for a long time and that can only be a good thing.

I phoned the clinic the day before yesterday to discuss going back for round 2 of ICSI. They were too full this month but I have alot of work over the next few weeks anyway so I will call them mid-January when I get my next period.

So, after today and tomorrow (ie when we can get all the Christmas food finished), I'm going back on my vitamins, eating better/normally and trying to get off the fags again.

I'm also thinking about getting Acupuncture again, since it really helped me in terms of symptoms and relaxation first time around.

So, all in all, I am filled with some hope and a sense of direction going into 2009. This is the complete opposite of this time last year when I/ we both did not think that anything was possible with what we knew back then...... What a difference a year makes!

Anyway, I will keep you posted with what happens next and hopefully that will be quite soon.

Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello,

Firstly, I just want to apologise for not being back here sooner.....As you could imagine, after everything that has happened, I was just not ready to face things.

Afew weeks have passed and this has given me time to reflect on everything that has happened and also allowed me time to look at my life.

I was going to go straight back onto cycle 2 of the treatment but after speaking with DH, we have decided to wait for a while.

We realised that having been married over 4 years, that we have spent our entire married life in trying to have a baby and have lost sight of ourselves as individuals and as a partnership.

Not only that, during the treatment, I put on quite a bit of weight again so knowing how long it took before, I think it will take me afew months to shift that.

More importantly, as you may have read in my previous posts that I have been very unhappy at work for quite some time. So I have now decided that I am going to do something positive to change that.

I went back to work nearly 3 weeks ago and realise that it is not the place for me and not the job for me. There is still alot of unfairness on many levels and this is something that I don't think I can tackle on my own. I, along with afew others, feel very much demoralised.

I fear that if I remain in this rut, that I will lose even more confidence over time. No-one cares to find out, or is even interested in the qualities or experience I have. In fact, I would go as far as to say that there is a total disregard of me completely, and this I feel is based upon the fact that I have been unlucky enough to be unwell over the past few years.

This may all sound quite negative, the truth is that.....this IS the truth and I feel really frustrated by it all.

SO! I have decided to pursue another avenue, something I have thought about for a long time. I have decided to go back into education for a period and learn something new.

I have afew choices and already, I feel so much more alive and liberated. I have been offered afew places at University - some are at post-grad level, some are undergraduate but in a completely different field altogether! I have decided to take the option which seems to be the quickest and something I have researched alot.

I'm going off to do a Diploma in Advanced Analytical Hypnotherapy which will allow me to start my own business and takes approx 6-7 months. DH has already bought me a web-site! I'd feature the name but there is nothing on it yet. When I do have stuff on it, I'll plug it here!

As regards cycle 2 of ICSI, I think this will be after Christmas. However, I still need to discuss this with the clinic to see what they say about that. I think I read somewhere that I need to have finished treatment within 2 years so I still have a bit of time.

Part of me wants to go back now, but I know in my heart that I and DH are just not ready to go through it all again so soon. Everywhere I go, I see pregnant people and people pushing prams with newborn babies and I get a 'sore heart' and begin to feel very lonely. If we are meant to be parents, I'm sure we will BE parents one day. I'm getting used to how things are a bit more as time goes on, it's just so hard.

I still have days where I feel awful and empty, but when you think of it all, we DID in fact lose something and this is a period of grieving for us.

I'm going to go now and sit back outside, I think it's a bit cooler out there now.....it was 28 C earlier!!!!
I will pop back here on and off to update on anything new that happens.

Take care,
Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello again,

Despite the awful weather we have, I'm quite happy today. It has been a difficult week trying to get our heads around what has been happening to us. Each day, it has gotten a bit better thankfully.

As planned, I phoned the clinic on Friday there. Our case was up for discussion at a clinical meeting. They decided that we have to proceed with cycle 2 of the treatment with no changes. They said we could just carry on or leave it for afew months. I said we would carry on.

I just have to wait for my period and then phone for booking dates for the down-regulation bit again.

I'm scared but also quite excited about going again. I thought we'd have had to wait for afew months but we are glad to carry on from now. I just need to try and lose the weight I put on through the drugs and comfort eating!!!!! I reckon I have about 6-8 weeks to get my act together with that so I'll start afresh tomorrow using my weight watchers stuff again.

I phoned my union office during the week and they spoke with HR department and said I was to get Special Leave for my next treatment - I'll believe it when I see it. I hope to speak with my boss before we start because I do not want the carry on we have just had again.

My sick line is up this Friday. I was thinking of going back early but DH and the rest of my family said it would be a good idea to rest and get myself properly ready to return and I think I have to agree with them.

I have just been pottering about. I've not been out very much and haven't felt like it at times to be honest. I am hoping to get out a bit more during this week.

Yesterday DH and I, along with our 2 wee doggies; packed some beers and icecreams and went to a wonderful chippy which sits in the harbour. We then went along to the sea-front to eat them. It was lovely, apart from my youngest dog was REALLY playing up, being REALLY naughty and barking the whole time!!!! Needless to say when we got home, he went into his bed for a bit. We couldn't get angry with him because he kept making us laugh.

Today I cooked us a nice dinner and we have basically just hung around the house on account of the awful weather.

I'm sure that the next few weeks will pass quickly. I just hope that we can get booked for our treatment first time around again so we don't have to wait around another month.....Let's hope it's 2nd time lucky for us!

Will keep you posted.................

L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We went to the clinic this morning as was planned. I couldn't get to sleep last night and when I eventually did, I absentmindedly put my alarm off and we slept in! After a mad dash, quick shower,etc, we drove up and were only about 20 minutes late.

We saw one of the nurses we saw before who was lovely. We explained about what has been happening since Sunday and she agreed that it was highly unlikely that our test results would be good news.

She spoke with us for a while and explained afew things to us and we had a chat about the stress I had been under with work and all. She used to work in the same place as me and so was aware of how awful they are to their employees.

I gave the staff a card with some money in, today for their next or Christmas night out. Regardless of what has just happened to us, we are truly grateful for everything they have done to help us so far. They must get so much job satisfaction in doing what they do - a bit like finding a needle in a haystack finding a job like that nowadays within healthcare!

We got home and I have been really quiet. I'm knackered and feel so run down. I wish I could get a decent sleep. I think that one of the reasons I don't is that I'm frightened to wake up with the realisation of what has happened again. I guess we just have to remain as positive as we can for the time being.

The nurse called us there after 2pm to confirm what we already knew. She explained that my case would be discussed at the next clinical meeting which is on Friday this week. Apparently, they look at what they could do differently for future attempts. I can only surmise that that would mean alterations to the drug regimes and or possibly more investigations. So we have to call this Friday after 1pm to find out what happens next for us.

Thankfully, I still have a bit of time left off work to get myself fit again (the GP gave me a line on Friday and boy am I glad I did now after Sunday). I did toy with the idea of going back earlier but DH thinks it would be wise just to take it easy and I think I need to agree with him on that score. I do need to get some things sorted out at work so that I don't have the same carry on next time. The less stress I have, the better chance we might have next time around if we choose to go ahead.

Love,
L,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx